it has come to my attention more than i'd like in the past month or so that i don't really have a good coping mechanism when it comes to death. i guess with my dad being a preacher, with weddings and funerals punctuating my life pretty consistently, i thought i had it all figured out. i mean, weddings don't really faze me , so i guess something in me expects that funerals won't either.

but they do. and there's this part of my brain that sort of hides from it, that i can only access when i'm too tired to keep hiding it, and i catch myself thinking things like 'so next time i go by newellton, i'll go see miss connie and mr. john and...' and 'i wonder when the next SCA thing is...i should definitely go...i can't wait to see beth and...'

and then i catch myself.

i see now that i let a lot of opportunities to see mr. john or beth pass me by for what seemed like valid reasons at the time, but now just break my heart over and over again, every time i stop focusing on not thinking and think 'i can't wait until next time i'm in newellton,' or 'i wonder if beth and i can start working on that garb now...'

i remember when my great grandmother died, for months i dreamt that the whole thing was a terrible nightmare and she was really alive and okay and i'd see her the next time i was in alabama, and when mr. marvin died, the same thing, he was really alive and okay and up in maryland waiting for our next visit, whenever that would be...

it's been years now, so i'm pretty much clued in to the fact that granny and mr. marvin are gone, but it took a while before my entire brain caught on to that...so i just wonder how long it'll be until i stop thinking like this about beth and mr. john.

the moments when i think they're okay feel so calm and wonderful, then catching myself, having that realization...it's just so painful.

i guess that's why i try to stay numb most of the time.

beth's obituary's in the shreveport times. it's both thorough and accurate.

her dad sent out this email this morning.

Dear friends and family,
 
Our dear Beth went to be with her Lord and Savior this morning around 4:00 a.m. She was surrounded by family and friends all night. Thank you all so much, for all the prayers and support that you've given  to Beth, Aarin, and our family during her long illness. Please take time today to thank our God for the peace that he has given her. 
 
May God truly Bless You and Yours Today!
 
Wally Watts

her funeral is monday at 4 [i think] and visitation is sunday at 2. you know, on father's day.

things really suck sometimes.